I’ve heard a lot of
people say, “I’m going through,” when they’re dealing with heavy or
pressing situations. It’s funny, I feel like I’ve been going through my
whole life. I’ve been going through and coming out all over again.
However, I’ve listened to the testimonies of other people and thought, “My
goodness, the little stuff I’ve gone through is nothing compared to them.”
I’ve heard about folks struggling with drugs, life-threatening diseases,
losing limbs, surviving natural disasters and losing everything, and I
then realize that my “going through” was not really a big ordeal. It
didn’t kill me; it only made me stronger.
When I get down by
looking at my circumstances, I have to give myself a reality check. You
know what I do? I read the stories of others. I become really thankful for
what God has brought me through, because it could have been worse. Just
think for a moment about your story, think of the most horrible event that
has taken place in your life. How did you feel at that time when you were
enduring it? Did you feel like one understood you, no one could imagine
what you were going through, no one listened and no one cared?
-excerpt from
Preface
I got sick on
Saturday. I went to bed and if I strain, I could just about remember
waking up once or twice on Sunday. I can’t even remember being as sick as
I was. My mom told me that I had a fever and couldn’t hold anything down
so they took me to the emergency room on Monday. The doctor examined me
and didn’t find anything. It was flu season so he treated me for the flu
and sent me back home. Tuesday, I was still in bed with a fever. By
Wednesday, I became lethargic and my mom said, “We’ve got to take you back
to the hospital.”
The hospital started
giving me fluids to bring my fever down and to hydrate me as well. In
fact, they forced fluids in to me from the time they admitted me. My mom
said she realized that from the time I was admitted at nine AM until about
six PM, I hadn’t used the bathroom one time! She brought it to the
doctor’s attention and they frantically started running tests on my
kidneys. My kidneys were shutting down so they ran tests on my lungs as
well. On the x-rays, your lungs usually show up grayish, but mine were
completely white. That meant that my lungs were failing; they were full of
fluid. My blood pressure started dropping and she said that I was getting
sicker from the time I entered the hospital. Everything was going wrong
within my body..
I had a dream. I
believe it was when I coded (flat-lined). I remember it vividly. I was
running through an old town with clay buildings and dirt roads. Every time
I looked down at my feet, they looked like hooves. You know, like a
sheep’s foot. I was a sheep and I was chasing this man. It wasn’t just me,
but there were other sheep. But I was trying to get to the head of the
flock. I was running and running and I was so happy to see whomever I was
chasing. I had such a strong intent to get to that person. I finally got
to him and when I touched his clothes, my hoof transformed into a hand. He
turned and looked at me and said, “No, my child, it’s not your time yet.”
It was at that precise moment that I could remember coming back. My eyes
opened and I remember seeing all the doctors and nurses about me in a
frantic state. I looked around, closed my eyes and then I went into a
peaceful sleep.
When I finally woke
up again, I was in ICU and everything was unfamiliar to me. But the
revelation that I got still stuck firmly with me. I remember running and
touching his clothes and I remember how different that place was and how
bright and sunny it was. And, when I touched him, it was like touching the
hem of his garment. You know how some people say, “I saw people who passed
on…” Well, I don’t remember any of that, but I do remember being a sheep
chasing my shepherd. Evidently, it wasn’t my time because it was like I
really wanted to go. I just felt like He was letting me know that, “It is
not your time, but I’m going to ease this burden that you’re going to be
going through.” He knew what the coming weeks were going to be like.
Within a week, I
went from being 125 lbs. to looking like I weighed almost 350 lbs. My
whole body swelled up from all the infection and different medicines that
was pumped into me. I swelled up to three times my normal size. My mom
said my face was so huge that you couldn’t even see my eyes; they looked
just like slits. I don’t remember my body ballooning up like that. I know
that had to be painful! Can you imagine your skin stretching
instantaneously to accommodate all that fluid and infection in your body?
My body was fighting
for dear life. Unbeknownst to me, my legs started to get gangrene and a
decision had to be made…they had to take them. For almost a week after
they amputated my legs, they were open because the doctors wanted to
catheterize them. I can just imagine how the open wounds on my legs might
have felt and how painful that had to be with the drainage tubes running
from them. Imagine the wind or air hitting them and how sensitive it would
be to the different temperatures, humidity or even a whisk of air. I
couldn’t even fathom how that would have felt if I had to endure that
myself. I would have wanted to let go.
-excerpt from Tina's
Story
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another excerpt
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